Memoirs of a Cynical Twenty-Something

Strictly another waste of time...

Sat, 20 Dec 2008 23:52:57 +0100

And so it happens again...

A Dance competition becomes a Popularity competition, who could see that coming.
Tom and Camilla were very good but clearly had no mark on Rachael Stevens and her partner Vincent. But does talent and skill really have any standing in a talent competition on the wonderful reality TV stage?

No... no it does not.

If you step back and take a look at all of the reality shows such as the X-Factor and Strictly come dancing then you will see they are not talent competitions but a mask for the same format as Big Brother and I'm a celebrity get me out of here. They are another excuse to groups a bunch of people together, put them through a rough time and hard trial for entertainment and then the one the public likes the most is who they reward an shower with praise.

It is bollocks.

It is time to say goodbye to these shows and I think we need to start phasing them out. They are not entertaining but merely a parade for the idiots. Look at Jade Goody, she has been flooded with millions of pounds, given columns and air time when really she should have been a shit slag factory worker living off benefits. I mean what is the point of people training to be entertainers and going to expensive performance schools when you can round up the cows and cocks from the shallow end of the steno pool and televise their behavior. If this is really something you call entertainment then why not turn your TV off and watch your friends eat shag and fart... it's the same fucking thing.

I for one call for the good old days of entertaining shows and talent competitions where the person who wins deserved to win.

Am I just a lone voice echoing over and over in a mountain range of pointless actions?

Probably...

Comments

International Sectarian Mabla

Sat, 20 Dec 2008 19:56:19 +0100

ISM, is something we encounter everyday, it is at the supermarket, post office, bank and Nudie Bar. It is the reason we will die out before our time. ISM is never found on its own, it usually comes with 3 or 4 other things, these make up what type of ISM you can get. Race is one of these… Sex is another… Age… and in extreme cases Fat. ISM is short for International Sectarian Mabla, let me break it down for you. International means the world, all nations of the planet. Sectarian is a split and finally Mabla is a made up word of mine that means shit. So basically ISM is dividing our race and is a load of old shit. My father always used to say, “Never tell the truth because people will take it, bend it and fashion it into a weapon of mass destruction then beat the living shit out of you” but just this once I fancy telling the truth. The truth is I am all for equality, on all levels and making our race, humanity the only race. Unfortunately, there’s one problem, we are all different. We are different shapes and sizes; we are different colours, our skin and hair. We have different views, different dreams and hopes… so why should we segregate further?

In a world where political correction has gone mad we treat the term ism like a one night stand. We are so worried about being racist, sexist, ageist or whaterverist that we let it affect all our actions and even our thoughts. Here are a few examples; I was walking with one of my friends through the city when we came across a shop called Blacks. The first words out of his mouth were ‘that is racist’. No, it is not, it is more than likely the owner or original founder’s last name. I am a teacher and the ISM effect has spread within education, they are no longer whiteboards but wipe boards, blackboards are chalk boards… Ba Ba Black sheep is Ba Ba Any sheep… and Brainstorming is a banned term in case it offends sufferers of epilepsy. Since when did epileptic people have brainstorms… they have fits… It has gone mad.

It is time to end this political correctness infection and cure the disease of ISM…
… let’s use our common sense, well those of us who have it… This world would be dull if we were all the same, our differences paint a colourful world, let’s celebrate it…

Comments

What she gonna look like with a chimney on her?

Sat, 13 Dec 2008 01:58:43 +0100

I would love to gather up all of the plastic people on TV and in the public eye and transport them to a desert island where some sort of mythological creature from the tales of homer would come and devour them one by one until they had all suffered a similar pain to what I have to suffer every time I glance the newspaper rack in a shop.

I mean come on who gives a flying fuck about them?
Seriously... I understand nosy Marge from across the road gossiping about tom and his unusual fetish that occurs at midnight in his garden or the squabble discussing who's baby they think it is and picking the possible dad out of a line up. It's natural to be curious about the people you know as they have an impact on you.
You live near them! You drink from the same watering hole and have to shit in the same pot as them! You are a community... but why do we insist on placing these ridiculous Barbie and Ken dolls up onto a platform of glory and wait for them to fall off. If we are that blood thirsty to watch people suffer could we not just throw them to the lions and be done with it?

No, instead we worship them for a set amount of time, then we pick at them, bully them until they make a fault and then crucify them... after a while we may forgive them and let them have another chance to please us. I mean do we seriously get a kick from it? Pretending we are a king or queen of old and these people are our personal jesters?

Instead of the people who really affect us like politicians and journalists, we build up these dancing clowns, pay them stupid amounts of money and reward them for being assholes.

Who's amazing idea was it to hire Russell brand? I could do that for half the money they pay him, walk around like a complete twat, piss on everyone I meet and spread the seed of sexual infection amongst the masses. Coleen Rooney is another one, she marries a gorilla and we award her with a column and show. In the old days she would have been arrested for beastiality, but instead we chuck thousands of pounds at her and then still think it's okay to turn around and say... We need more money in the health care... why is petrol so high? I can't afford this...

LETS STOP WASTING OUR MONEY
LETS STOP WASTING OUR TIME
LET THESE DANCING IDIOTS GO BACK TO THE ROCK THEY CAME FROM...

Entertainment does not need to be torturing someone...

We claim we are evolved and civilized... perhaps some time this millennium we might be able to show it.

Comments

Eh-levels?

Thu, 14 Aug 2008 22:20:38 +0200

As a Teacher I have experience of the education system, as a student I have experience of the education system. This gives me the insight that the media channels and publications do not have. Before I explain where I am coming from I would like to call them all Wankers… that’s better… okay.

The A level pass rate has risen to 97%... fantastic. Well done to all of the students who passed their exams. This was not the sentence that came out of the media. The sentence that came out was ‘are the exams getting to easy’. Something we hear every year, ‘it’s getting to easy’ or ‘the government is looking into it’, how about you all fuck off. Every year students of all ages are put through harder tests, are required to achieve higher standards… because when they achieve them the year before and pass with flying colours, our media dolts and ‘experts’ believe they must be too easy. They don’t realise that these children bust their nut off to pass the exams. That children being excellent learners might be adapting to the stress we put them under and excelling at passing.
No… it’s much easier to say that we are doing a pile of wank and it needs to be harder. We are the most tested nation in Europe, possibly even the world. Now our students are acing these tests, instead of saying fuck me you guys are brilliant, we say you could have done better. Well it’s about time this should change.

In a world where we are developing technology to do our jobs, the need for educated operators is rising. 26 years in a row A level pass rates have gone up. Does that mean that every year we say it is easier and therefore make it harder that we are lying? When an athlete gets faster and breaks a world record we knight them, when the future generations prove they are getting smarter, adapting and learning the methods we say they must, we knock them down.

I hope I speak on behalf of all the student s in the past 26 years when I say, the only things that get easier every year are being a mindless celebrity for five minutes and then having a platform for their racism, the Availability of drink and drugs on a binge status for young people and the media being able to scare the entire nation with one story repeated over and over again for a year. It’s about time they all fuck off and for once recognise the achievements of the young people in this country.

Comments

If we had no religion...

Wed, 06 Aug 2008 20:56:23 +0200

If we had no religion, we would have no war - true or false?

Did religion spark either of the world wars?
Did religion fuel the cold war?
Did religion create a situation in Iraq?

The answer is no...

Deep down in humanity is a want, a desire, a lust for something. We don't know what that something is but we want it. We want it so badly... and that want grows when we learn someone else might have it. We do anything in our power to get it from them. We lie, steal and kill for the chance they have what we want. Look at the 'religious' conflicts themselves. The wars in Israel and Palestine are not due to them being Jews and Muslims, but because 50 years ago we carved the Muslims home up and handed it to the Jews, in hope they would be appeased. We did it before the war with Hitler and the Czech republic, look where that got us!

Religion is just an excuse, a reason to do what we want.

Take it away...
Turn us all into scientists and Atheists, and eventually watch as a war breaks out over which evolutionary theory is correct. Soon new atheist branches are formed because the others haven't quite got it right yet. War breaks out between countries with different scientific views and soon... we are back to where we are now.

IF you take away a thug or extremists cause, they will find another one to join, because at the end of the day, thats all they are. IF someone is willing to die or kill for their belief, then no matter their belief, they will do it.

IF we changed our mindset over Eons of evolution, then we will have no war.

We are the problem, not the Gods.

Comments

London Cabs and The Underground... who would win in a fight?

Fri, 04 Apr 2008 00:42:59 +0200

I recently went to London with my girlfriend and parents for my 21st birthday. It was a ground breaking weekend as for the first time in my life i spent £25 on for Vodka and mixer's in one round... gutting... but none the less... it was a hotel bar and it was London. Outrageous prices are something you except being a tourist in london, but one thing was a shocker to me and my family and that was the differences in the underground and the taxi service of our capital.

As my dad pointed out, a few years ago it cost him £20 quid for a cab ride to the train station. Quite a lot of money seeing as it was only one person. However it seems times have changed and i can't understand why.

For four of us to go across central London on the tube it cost £16. We wait for the tube admiring the wonderful condition that the station is in, get onto the packed underground train. Stand for a few minutes and dodge around other travelers every time we get to a new station whilst that driver says once again... "Please use all the space so we can cram more of you fuckpigs in" and then enjoy another few minutes of standing before our stop comes up. Well fuck me side ways the Taxi's are cheap now... instead of paying the £16 for the four people and going through what can only be described as a pain worse then death... we could pay £6 and sit in a nice Taxi, not packed... rather spacious actually, and cruise along the now less busy London roads.

The amount of money we saved changing from the tube to taxi's for our trip was unbelievable.

Now don't get me wrong... I do understand that one person would rather pay £4 for the great pleasure of the stinky shitty tube compared to the £2 more it would cost for the nice Taxi that gets you there the same time. So why has this happened all of a sudden?

With Brown in-charge and our economy looking worse for wear as we approach the mayan apocalypse we call the 2012 economic depression... why has it all gone cheap? Surely the hackney law change couldn't make a £14 decrease happen whilst inflation continues on its path to everest. Surely the congestion charges could not be helping reduce traffic that much especially as we traveled during London's busy period...

To be honest... I'm stumped...

If anyone out there is reading this...
If anyone out there can explain it...

Please leave a message at the tone...

But one thing I will say before i go is this.

Rather then travel on the Satanic merry-go-round our capital brothers call 'The Tube', which despite my best efforts just made me want to sing 'London Underground' by the amateur transplant guys, save yourself a bob and remember Cynical's top two rules...

One: Use a Taxi... for some unknown reason they are cheap as muck
Two: Don't offer to buy a round of drinks in a hotel bar with only £30 on you...

Comments

What's the Universal sign for Knob Jockey?

Thu, 21 Feb 2008 00:27:55 +0100

Is it me or do people seem to lack basic social understanding?
I put forward this situation which occurred this very evening…

Sat in our local bar having a lovely drink and enjoying some comedy, when we moved out of our seats but for a few moments and when we turned back around, a group of youngsters, fresh out of nursery school, sat in our places and pushed our stuff away from them. In fact some actually sat on our friend’s handbags and coats using them as cushions.
Do people lack understanding of society’s signals… do we actually have to write signs and hang them on our chairs for the baboon nation of dolts to try and figure out when still all they will do is poo on their hands and throw it at the sign in confusion. Forgive me if I am wrong but a coat on a chair and a drink in front of that chair on the table is a universal sign for SOMEONE IS SITTING HERE ASSHOLE!

So I decided, because I am a pussy that I would go back to the table get my stuff and make a point of moving…

I walked over to the flock of seagulls at our table and leaned over grabbing my drink and coat, turned to them and said… “thanks for moving us, that’s great…” gave them a wink and then a look of, I am above you in life because you are nothing, and then moved my stuff to another table, the rest of the group in turn made a point of it and moved their stuff giving the look of shame at the seagulls until we had all moved.

Do they teach basic decency in schools… maybe they should...?
… But then again would it be a waste of time…

To quote Frankie Boyle the great comedian…

“It’s like teaching a monkey to be a butler, you come home expecting your ironing and washing to be done and he’s shit all over the walls… because he’s a monkey!”

Comments

Valentines Day... I just don't get it...

Sat, 09 Feb 2008 14:50:26 +0100

Everybody is talking about what they are doing for Valentines Day… were going to this place and were going to watch this… I just don’t get it…

To me, Valentines Day is just another day of the year where someone a long time ago said, this is the one day a year where romance is in the air and all couples should do something nice and all single people should find a date… It is another day, just like Christmas day that has been buggered by someone in an office somewhere who said; let’s make more money of the saps below because we can.
I consider myself a romantic, and I believe, call me naive that all men are romantic at heart, maybe not all of them are in contact with that part of themselves but that’s not the problem here. The problem is that once again our society is scheduling a day out of its busy schedule to tell and show the person your love, that you love them. It should not exist, why should my girlfriend only get flowers or poetry or chocolate from me on one day a year, or why should it have to be that specific day… why do we allow ourselves to be told that we have to do something special for Valentines day… My girlfriend was ill the other day so back on my way from town to home, I bought her some flowers to cheer her up… yet Valentines day demands more from us, right here right now…

An argument put forward the other day by one of my friends was that for some couples it is a day set aside for them to re-light the fire of romance after they have had kids and a mortgage and not had time for romance… I don’t like the excuse of I have no time… everyone has a few minutes of a day to tell someone how they feel or cuddle before bed… Romance should not be tacky, and yet we have allowed the corporations to make it that way. I am waiting for Valentines Day this year in anticipation to see if Facebook takes the next step and provides you free gifts to send to your loved one to let them know, although they are sitting the other side of the room from you, that you love them.

I guess my problem is not so much Valentines day… but the way our society has crippled personal connections, I read one persons comment on the Facebook the other day, which said, ‘I’m leaving Facebook because it is too impersonal, I want to go back to the good old fashioned communication of Text and Email’ after laughing considerably, I realised how sad this was. Letters, hand written letters are old fashioned and personal… maybe even a phone call… but moving from one formatted text to another is no statement and no change…

I’m worried that Valentines Day will become a mandatory point of the year, where we get told, not sure by whom, that we have to be romantic, when just like the good spirit of Christmas, should be something we do all day, every day, all year round. It is not other peoples duty to tell a couple when to be romantic, nor should we have got to the point in our world where we are so busy and rushed we have to mark a day a year in our calendar to be romantic because the rest of the year, we are to caught up in our world of hectic to care for the one we love. Don’t let that happen, if you’re going to do something for Valentines day… make it personal and not commercial… and please don’t forget, it doesn’t have to be, just one day a year.

Comments

Students vs The British transport system

Sat, 09 Feb 2008 14:20:17 +0100

A students life is enriched with many adventures and mishaps, Water fights in the early hours, or even getting blind stinking drunk, puking in somebody else’s house then being put in a wheelbarrow and taken downtown. However there is one thing we all have to deal with that really does suck, in fact it’s possibly a students worse nightmare… Public Transport!

As students it is our obligation to return home in one weekend, visit friends and family, realise home isn’t quite the same, and then return back to University because, you really do need to get that final assignment done. This is quite a challenge, especially if you do it most weekends, but the one thing that would make life so much easier over those 3 little days is if your train wasn’t run by a monkey on acid. Let me point out how bloody annoying, the British train system is when you are a student.

Scenario One; Sunday morning, you wake up, laze about, say goodbye to your mates down the pub, get home for a lovely roast and then pack your bags because, why would you do it the night before when you can rush in the morning? Your mum drops you at the station; you get their ready for the train but wait… its delayed. Your perfect timing of getting back for early evening, just in time for the pub quiz, is ruined! Some idiot has decided to delay your train by 43.3333331 minutes… making your entire schedule go tits up.

Scenario Two; You catch the train, its on time, everything feels good. You have a comfortable seat and an extra one for your bag. The granny smelling of cat and wee is five seats down from you, and the weird guy with nose hair always on the phone has been shot dead… fantastic. But wait… the idiot is back again and he wants to ruin your life. This time, he’s decided to close the track ahead… and replace it with a bus system… a crappy bus system. A system that either involves a knob with a clipboard telling you “THIS BUS!” when really it isn’t, or an extra long journey because the driver wants to take the scenic route and pick up every other person on the coast… oh and this time, granny and the nose hair bandit are sat next to you.

So this my fellow students is what really grinds my gear about our relationship with the transport system… The stupid idiot train company and its stupid ways of annoying us.

Comments